SHELBY COUNTY, TN – John Daly says he is feeling great and doesn’t plan to let anything stand in his way of becoming the full-blown drunk he always believed he could be. Daly says he is more centered and focused than ever before, and feels he has a new lease on life with his renewed dedication to his alcoholism.

“I’m doing fantastic” slurred the oaf-like PGAer “I was on a 2 or 3 week coke-addled bender a couple months ago… though I’m not quite sure how long it really was because I kept blacking out all the time”.

Daly says he has been spending the majority of his time at bars and strip clubs and staying away from the one place he can get into the most trouble – the golf course. 

“I’ll be driving home around 7 or 8 in the morning when I’ll pass the golf course…its really tempting” Daly said, managing to never remove the cigarette from between his lips, “but thankgoodnessfully I’ve had the strength to keep things in perspective”.

But the road to perdition hasn’t been totally bump-free. Just 3 days ago a greens keeper at an area country club found Daly’s Cadillac idling in the middle of the fairway of the 9^th hole with an unconscious Long John lying face down in the tee box with a putter in his hand.

“I’ve had a few moments of weakness, but thankfully I have a great group of supportive friends up at Baby Dolls (gentlemen’s club) that I can lean on in those tough times”.

 --thesportsbean.com